dear smelly boy,
i know you won’t get to read this anymore. but i still want to let you know that if one day you decided to change your mind, i will always be waiting, to be your friend again.
love, your smelly girl
you always seem to elude me. unfathomable and unpredictable. perhaps that’s the magical part of it too. i lost you once again, and this time brought me much pain and tears. i am grateful that you actually lingered around a little more. it should have ended long ago, but i thank god that i have you till now. i wish to believe in you again, and one day i will love again.
this time, its for real. i can feel it in my bones. from instagram, to whatsapp, to fb and to tumblr - you were determined to cut me off from you. i know it doesn’t matter anymore. you don’t need me, but i still need you. i like the way how you can cut off the relationship at one go. if only i can control my feelings, switching them off and on. things would be so much better. i knew it long ago, that you stopped following me, and i kind of expected it. but acceptance takes some time to swallow in. the pain is just as much, despite the preparation.you said relationship is about two people, never one. but we were no longer in a relationship, it’s all me and my silly thinking. i am sorry my actions brought so much pain to you. but i am still learning to let you go. you were the brave one, i am the weak one.
i remember telling you,” everything goes, nothing stays. everyone will eventually leave, for good or for bad.” nothing to be emotional about, it’s just life.
i must have been too much of a pain that you want to avoid me totally. i understand. it’s not so much merely of ‘i am drunk’, but much more of ‘i don’t need you to remind me of what i’ve done’. i am like an anchor, dragging you down. you wanted to move on, but my existence will only hinder you from that. my existence would only rack up the past which you wanted so much to forget. i am easily forgotten. so yes, please move on. please find some peace and happiness. i am not able to give you that.
it’s not your doing that things ended up like this. it’s me. i should not have appeared. you lead a very peaceful life before i appear - golf, beer, friends. but i mess up your life when i appeared.
but it’s the total opposite for me. i already on my road to self-destruction, picking myself up after the failed relationship. you didn’t cause me to be like this, i am already like this. since the first day you know me. i am sorry that you have to deal with my mess. please don’t blame yourself anymore.
i should not have brought my baggage from the previous relationship to you. you are right. i should not have be so insecure.
its not fair that we didn’t have the chance to further understand each other. its not fair that we met at the wrong time. its not fair that we were not given second chance just because. then again, its life. and life is never fair.
thank you for getting me to write again. because of you, i started writing again. those closeness we once shared, all written down and locked up - only for myself to read. i am a selfish lover. i won’t share those sweet moments with anyone anymore.
i am sorry that i brought nothing but trouble and create more burdens for you. it’s my fault that i am insecure. it’s my fault that i am such a mess and such a emotional person. it’s my fault that i allow you to fall in love with me. it’s my fault that you have so much to deal with, and i could not help you with any. it’s my fault that i am nothing but pain for you to deal with, on top of all your problems. i once thought too highly of myself, thinking that you would be enough with me around. but apparently, it’s not. i am nowhere near to what you want, what i have is not what you want.
but i am not sorry at all to have fallen in love with you. you were one of the best thing that could ever happen to me.
and if one day you were mine again, i would love again.